Workin' the Steps
Please Note: The ideas, opinions, and views expressed in our pages reflect Phil's experience strength, and hope. If you can't reconcile something he says with the Big Book "Alcoholics Anonymous", please feel free to ignore it.
Phil does NOT speak for nor represent Alcoholics Anonymous.I've told you what it was like and what it's like now. But I didn't really fill you in on the what happened. So . . . I hope now to remedy that.
I went to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous on July 8, 1985. I came home from work to wash my face, brush my teeth, and change my clothes before I went to the meeting. I mean, I didn't want to look like a bum (this from a man who had been thrown out of the sleaziest bars in Dallas, Texas). I wanted to make a good impression. Well, my friend Wayne (I mentioned him earlier) waited patiently and then we were off. In Dallas, many A.A. groups have clubhouses or places were they meet every day at certain times. The group to which I first went was held in a motel/office building. The Lambda group later became (and is still) my home group.
I don't remember much of my first meeting. I know I was introduced to a lot of people who seemed genuinely happy to meet me. I remember sitting at the back of the room, hoping that no one would ask me to leave. The oddest sensation moved over me as the meeting went on. I got the strangest feeling that I was home. It felt so natural, so easy to be there. Then at the end of the meeting, the person leading the meeting asked if there was anyone who wanted or needed a "desire chip". A desire chip indicates a desire to stay sober for one twenty-four hour period. These are offered to people new to A.A. or who have relapsed and have come back. Wayne nudged me and indicated that I might want one. You had to walk to the front of the room to get it. It seemed like the longest walk I ever had to make. And then they started to clap. Being a theatre queen anyway, I love that sound. I didn't have to do anything - they just applauded. I made myself a promise that I would do whatever it took to hear that applause again.
Well, that was the easy part. Now came the work. In order for this to make better sense to those of you who either don't need to attend A.A. meetings or haven't made it through the door yet, I'll need to fill you in on a couple of things. I'm going to talk a lot about the 12 Steps and the 12 Promises so at this spot, I think you should go ahead and read them. I'll explain more afterwards.
Okay, you're back. You might want to grab a cup of coffee or what ever you drink while on the 'net 'cause this will take a little time. First, you may have noted that there are actually thirteen Promises. I understand the first Promise to be "We will be amazed!" One of the constants in my life today is that I am astonished at just about everything! From inventions (who thought of duplicating machines that printed on both sides of the paper, sorted, and stapled them) to the lies people tell themselves to the craziness that happens between my ears, I never cease to be amazed by human nature and ingenuity.
When I got to A.A., I knew that I was an alcoholic. I have seen alcoholism in action for a great part of my life (5 of the 7 of us Herrington kids are in recovery) and I knew that my behavior and thinking were the same. And my life certainly was unmanageable. I couldn't guarantee where I might be, when I would be there, or what condition I would be in when I arrived. The sheer effort of trying to keep my life in some sort of order was killing me. So there was not a doubt in my mind that I was an alcoholic. The result of being able to admit and to accept that fact gave me the freedom to hope that there was a way to live sober. With the disappearance of despair, happiness became a part of my life for the first time in a long while. Taking Step One was easy for me. Along with it came the fulfillment of the First Promise.
Part of working on Step Two was to understand what insanity is. Insanity is the act of doing the same things and expecting different results. I certainly qualified. I kept drinking thinking that this time I wouldn't blackout, or wet the bed or come to in the morning covered with bruises and cuts. But I ran into a snag. That "Power greater than myself" sounded a whole lot like religion. God was someone that I felt had given up on me a long time ago. If I needed to be reminded of that, I simply had to tune into the hell-fire and damnation spewed by every TV evangelist who could buy air space (okay, so I'm into self-abuse). The concept of a God who loved and cared for lesbians and gay men did not seem to exist. Especially a God who could have an interest in a man like the one I had become. Fortunately, the man that I asked to be my sponsor ( a recovering Catholic) asked me to look around for some example of something more powerful than me. I came to understand that the power of the people I had met in A.A. was greater than me because they could do something that I couldn't - they could stay sober. And they didn't judge me for what I had done in the past. I was able to stop regretting where I had come from. I understood that I never had to go back to that old way of acting again. I could be restored to sanity (or as much sanity as I can muster some days).
But the "religion thing" reared it's ugly head again in Step Three. How could I turn my life and will over to Something that was more than ready to see me dead and damned? Again, Bill to the rescue. He suggested that I try to re-form a concept of "God" of my understanding - perhaps as I had in Step Two, that the group of A.A. could restore me to sanity. I am amazed (see?) that I fail to read everything before I act on it. That phrase of my understanding passed me right by because all I could see was "God". So, I turned my life and will over to the principles, beliefs, and spirit of this group of men and women who were successfully living changed, sober lives. I began to understand the word serenity - the feeling that, even when the world seemed to be falling apart, that everything would somehow work out. All I had to do was suit up, show up, and do my part. The turmoil, the drama started to slowly leave my life.
After about six months (Bill's timing not mine - I wanted to start in week two), I began to take a serious look at my life and how I operated in Step Four. I had worked in retail most of my life and could do a physical inventory easily. But having to look at my own life - well, that was a different thing. I started but got bogged down with all the garbage and wreckage. I forgot that there are always things worth keeping in any inventory. So, I began to examine my life in the most honest light that I could. I looked at how I had injured people (including myself), where my actions didn't match my intentions, how I used and misused sex, and where I had succeeded in my life. I was pretty ashamed of most of it but somehow it was easier to face when it was all there in black and white. It didn't have the power over me that it did when I just replayed the stuff in my mind. At last, I started to make peace with Phil and the life that he had lead - the good as well as the bad.
In Step Five, we are supposed to share the results of that inventory with "God", ourselves, and with another human being. I chose to share that list with Bill. After all, he knew about the lion's share of this anyway. I called and asked if I could come and talk this over with him. He said sure and we set a date. I showed up at his house. He made tea and put out a plate of cookies and settled down to listen to me bare my soul. Now, I have to admit that I was a little apprehensive about telling someone else some of the stuff that I kept locked away upstairs. I mean, no one had been quite as "bad" or "sick" as I had been. As I poured out my heart, I happened to sneak a glance at Bill expecting some look of horror and caught him dozing. It never occurred to me that "my sins" might not be a big deal to anyone else but me. And after hearing some Fifth Steps over the years (and dozing a little myself), I have been amazed that our sins have such a lack of originality. What I have learned is that where I have been has given me the ability to reach people in the same place. When we share our experience with others, we don't feel so alone or unique. We've all been to hell and we know each other's stories. To this day, when I walk into an A.A. meeting, I feel like I've come home because the folks there KNOW me.
My concept of "God" through all of this was starting to change and is changing still. I went from using the spirit of the group to a more individual entity. I still have trouble feeling that I have a working relationship with that entity. I call that entity "God", because it is an easy reference point when talking. I have had to put aside the God of my childhood as revealed in Christian dogma. I still struggle with many of the fine points of who God is and what God expects from me. But I am still a work in progress. Sometimes I feel like my prayers are so many radio waves beamed into space. I don't know if Anyone hears them or not. I do it because I can't think of anything else to do. Sometimes, I can feel that God is so close that I can touch Him. But those moments are few and far between. I sometimes feel that I am one of the seekers who won't have all the pieces of the puzzle until my journey here is done. My last words will probably be "Oh, I get it now".
I was ready to look at Steps Six and Seven. I was getting tired of doing the same old things and ending up with the same old mess. So, I became willing to have these old behaviors removed. I wasn't sure how this would work, but I became willing to stop feeling useless and I sure was ready to let go of the self-pity. "Homey" can only play that for so long and then it gets really tired. What I learned is that prayer without action on my part is not gonna get me very far. If you are hungry, go make or buy a sammich cause God don't cook or deliver pizza. I had waited all my life to have things turn around so I could get started. Life is NOT a dress rehearsal. It was now time for me to do my share. Wantin' ain't gettin', as they say. I became willing to try new ways of doing things - looking at my actions rather than my intentions. And I started to look out rather than in. How can I help you? What can I do for you?
Well, next up was Step Eight. I made up my list (from Step Four) of people I had harmed - it totaled about 60 some people I could name and several hundred that I couldn't. Bill had me take the list and cut it down to three - God, myself, and my ex, Tom. And that was it (for the time being). The amends of Step Nine to God and to myself started with my first sober breath. They continue today as I try and live in a way that is healthy for me and the people around me, as best I can. It took eleven months to get ready to make my amends to Tom. That was because, in asking him to forgive me, I had to forgive him and myself. There was enough bad feeling that it took all that time to see my part in the hurt and forgive him the small part that was his. We got together and each of us apologized for our part in our relationship. We were never very close after that but we would see each other in the neighborhood and I was no longer ashamed to meet his eyes or to say hello. In being willing to give up my "hurt", I was ready to stop blaming the world for my problems. In the years afterward, I have made amends to my family, my friends, and co-workers as it was time to do it. And I continue to make amends to God and to myself by not drinking, trying my best not to hurt myself or others, and to keep from putting my needs and feelings above the needs and feelings of others.
The rest of the Steps are ongoing. I may find that I go back from time to time to work each of the previous Steps on a certain problem (like AIDS) but I find that I try to keep up with the last three on a daily basis. In Step Ten, I have to continue to keep my side of the street clean. There is nothing quite so difficult (or embarrassing) as cleaning up the wreckage of your sobriety. If something comes up, I try to look at my part in it, talk to someone about what is going on, and to take responsibility for my part in the problem if that is appropriate. And today, sometimes it isn't me causing the problem. I try to keep up with Step Eleven by praying and meditating (at which I'm not too good). I stopped praying for "stuff". My prayers are for help and for God's will my life and in the lives of the people around me. Prayers for strength, wisdom, courage - these make up the bulk of my prayers today. With Step Twelve, I acknowledge that I have had my spirit re-awakened. I try to act on those spiritual principles that have been given to me and to use them in my life each day. Fear of people and of financial insecurity have at least abated. I seem to be able to handle what comes my way today. I don't panic very often or just refuse to look at problems, hoping they will go away. And I have realized that God is doing for me what I could not do on my own. The help is always there when I ask or look for it, if I am willing to keep up my share of the responsibility and work. But the only way that I get to keep this spiritual awakening and these Promises is to give them away. I have to share these with anyone who asks, not preach them on the corner. To be there when another alcoholic reaches out for help as I so often have in my life.
There is a "creed", a "slogan" for lack of better words, that says "When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there. And for that, I am responsible." I am responsible. I hope I never forget those words. If you need help, reach out - one of us is always there.
(pgs. 59 - 60 of Alcoholics Anonymous)
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
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THE TWELVE PROMISES (Actually thirteen)
(pgs. 83 - 84 of Alcoholics Anonymous)
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfishness and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
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